[00:00] Rise, Renew,
[00:01] reconnect.
[00:03] Welcome to from the Ashes, a podcast where bold conversations empower healing and authentic, vibrant living.
[00:09] I'm your host, Valerie Huang Beck, and I'm on a mission to evolve the dialogue that moves humanity harmoniously forward.
[00:17] Gentle fire in the darkest night of Phoenix burst It's ready for flight Shadows may come try to tear you apart but you're the flame that ignites the your heart.
[00:33] Let me take you to a scene I was experiencing about three weeks ago. It's a Saturday afternoon evening,
[00:43] and I had decided to take a walk by the river near my house.
[00:50] And it was a nice,
[00:52] very warm day in Tokyo.
[00:57] But that day,
[00:58] I had the chance to take it easy and so decided to take this long walk.
[01:05] You could hear the sounds of summer,
[01:09] the light chirping of cicadas,
[01:14] and kind of like a warm,
[01:17] moist breeze due to the humidity.
[01:23] And as I was walking by the river,
[01:25] I saw a couple of things that just caught my eye and my ears.
[01:31] One was a family,
[01:33] mom and dad,
[01:35] son and daughter by the river, just looking at the ground and what they were doing. They were catching bugs, catching insects, and looking at flowers.
[01:45] And then as I kept walking along the river,
[01:48] came across someone on their bugle or trumpet playing the Les Mis theme.
[01:55] Do you hear the people sing Singing the songs of angry men?
[02:01] That one,
[02:02] it was just so beautiful because it was just that theme.
[02:06] And she would play it just like one phrase and then put her trumpet down and then wait a little bit and then continue the phrase. And it's so funny because the day before, I was wearing or one of the people in my gymnastics class was wearing her Les Mis shirt.
[02:23] And so I was thinking about Les Mis a lot.
[02:26] And so it just so happens that this trumpet player by the river was playing the theme.
[02:32] Yeah. And that felt like a little bit of a sign.
[02:36] And then as I kept walking,
[02:38] I wasn't sure of what the time was because I didn't have my device, which I'll get into in a second.
[02:45] But all of a sudden, as I passed one of the speakers in town, the loudspeakers, it started blasting the daily 5pm music. So I finally knew, oh, must be 5pm and this walk was different from some of the walks I've taken along that river because again, that day, I had no sense of time.
[03:10] I had no sense of.
[03:12] I had no sense of what time it was. I had nowhere to be. I had nowhere to go.
[03:18] I was just walking. And I thought I would just walk as far as I walk as far as I felt like going. And then I could just walk the opposite way back.
[03:28] And I did.
[03:29] So this all was part of a screens fast that I did.
[03:39] And I have started doing that I initiated about three weeks ago where I decided on a Saturday that I would just turn off all of my devices.
[03:52] No phone, no tv, no computer.
[03:55] My husband was away on a trip,
[03:58] so I was like, maybe I should try to do a detox.
[04:03] But I've been feeling a little bit physically, like maybe a detox isn't the right move right now. So I thought, well, maybe then I will do this digital detox.
[04:16] I haven't done one,
[04:18] I don't think ever.
[04:19] So I decided, well, why not?
[04:22] Let's try this and see what happens.
[04:25] At first I was thinking that maybe I would do a,
[04:30] like a vipassana weekend where I would actually meditate 10 hours a day and do the whole strict,
[04:37] you know,
[04:39] light dinner and vegetarian meals.
[04:43] And then looking into it, I thought, well, is this what I really need right now or am I being called to do something else?
[04:53] And so I decided I was gonna follow the kind of the vibe of the vipassana in that I'm not gon really see anyone. I'm not really gonna talk to anyone.
[05:04] I am gonna do some meditation, but I don't think I need to push myself to do 10 hours of meditation and the whole shebang.
[05:12] Instead, I just wanted to see what would happen if I simply allowed myself to quiet my mind and my day by taking away the distractions.
[05:21] And so that's what I did.
[05:24] And this was in preparation for leading a reset with my group with the vibrant visionary collective,
[05:32] because I knew that we are coming up on our seasonal reset. So every season we do either a,
[05:39] like a, a, a physical reset or a mental reset, some kind of meditation sprint or like an ayurvedic mini detox.
[05:50] And so since it's summer, I wanted to do something that was appropriate to the energy of summer.
[05:56] So when it's hot and intense like the summer weather is, what you want to do is you want to do something that's more cooling. You want to do something that's going to slow you down a little bit and that's not strenuous.
[06:07] And when it comes to food, you can do that pretty easily.
[06:11] But I wanted to do something that was a little bit more behavioral.
[06:16] And so this was a perfect time to try it out before I directed and guided other people to do it.
[06:24] So what I expected going in or what I actually knew I needed going in was to slow down and Stop the rush.
[06:34] I already had this kind of inkling that I'm too busy,
[06:39] like, and there's no reason for me to be so busy. There's no reason for me to feel like I don't have enough time during the week because I'm already going towards a lifestyle where I make time for myself on the weekends.
[06:54] And I'm not even working full time.
[06:59] So I work part time at the cafe where I get to serve people in Japanese and learn a little bit about Japanese work culture.
[07:10] And then I spend the rest of my time working on the Vibrant Visionary,
[07:18] which in itself is somewhat of a full time job. But part of the point of doing the Vibrant Visionary is to embody a way of being that resonates with me and my values.
[07:30] And that means that in terms of what my vibrant vision is,
[07:36] is that I make time for what really excites me,
[07:40] my passions and how I wish to live my life.
[07:44] And so I'm looking to invite ease in my life.
[07:49] But the way that I have been approaching building out my projects in the Vibrant Visionary, I feel has been a little bit forced in that I want it to succeed.
[08:03] And I wanted it to succeed so badly that I was doing things that were counter to the values and the convictions I have about me living my life.
[08:18] And I've been looking into human design for the past year or so and knowing that a person like me,
[08:27] I am a 6:3 projector,
[08:30] is not meant to to work their way traditionally to success. I mean that the more meaning that the more that I hustle,
[08:40] the less I am in my true nature and the way that works that would help me be successful. And in fact it is quite self sabotaging.
[08:52] And this is something that I,
[08:55] I find to be true.
[08:57] All of the projects that I've done that have caused the most fulfillment are not projects where I had to force my energy through.
[09:07] And when in fact there was something that really excited me that I wanted to make happen.
[09:11] No matter how much that I pushed,
[09:15] the farther and farther away I could get to that goal because of the emotional, physical, mental load that it required for me to make that project successful because I had no support.
[09:29] And so as someone who works largely alone,
[09:34] to not create a life where I am supported in myself is unsustainable.
[09:43] So I have to also come to terms with. And one of the goals of doing this kind of reset is that I need to find ways to come to terms with my energy and how I work and to learn to really sit in,
[10:01] not hustling,
[10:04] to learn to really sit in being in a settled state of relaxation and calm and nervous system regulation.
[10:15] So going into it, that was my intention.
[10:19] And after self diagnosing the problem,
[10:24] so then now going into it and actually having done it, what was it like?
[10:31] What surprised me?
[10:33] It's really funny because when I turned off the devices at the time I didn't have a clock in my house.
[10:45] So with no phone and no computer and no tv,
[10:50] I had no way to tell the time that for Saturday.
[10:53] And I was like, well, let's just roll with it. When sun, the sun comes down, that means it's time to wind down and eventually go to bed.
[11:02] This had way more impact than I had anticipated it would have.
[11:08] I did multiple rounds of meditation untimed.
[11:15] I don't know if I was sitting for an hour, I don't know if I was sitting there for half an hour,
[11:19] but each time I would sit and just simply do the meditation until I fell into the kind of like the in between state that we sometimes find when we are able to sink to our breath and simply be.
[11:41] I am not a meditation expert. I have done vipassana and I, I have done several practices throughout the years,
[11:48] but I'm not hardcore at it. I just know when I do reach a state of complete presence and relaxation,
[12:00] there's something that switches in the body and the mind where like there's no tension and you aren't necessarily thinking anything.
[12:11] So again you can't really aim to go into that state all the time. Sometimes there will be thoughts. And so when those thoughts come up,
[12:21] you kind of have to go through the process of acknowledging the thoughts and the emotions. And so when that happened I would do that as well.
[12:29] But anyway, so I was,
[12:31] I did probably at least six or seven of these sits in a day.
[12:37] And on top of that I was repeatedly going back to my yoga mat and just noticing where in my body I had tension.
[12:45] And so I was just locking in back into my body and my breath the entire day.
[12:52] Then throughout the day I also cleaned the entire house,
[12:57] did laundry,
[12:58] I vacuumed, I swept, I wiped.
[13:01] I.
[13:02] Yeah, it, I managed to do all of that and I still had extra time.
[13:09] I read Half of the Untethered Soul by Michael Singer on Saturday and then I actually finished the book the following day.
[13:18] I cooked all my meals and I was not expecting to have so much time.
[13:32] There's a, a phrase in Japanese called Yo yu. It's, it's actually just a word. You just means like the,
[13:39] you have the,
[13:42] the freedom and the.
[13:45] There is another English word that's better for this.
[13:48] It's not coming to me.
[13:50] Kind of like the leisure to do things and take your time with them. That's yo you.
[13:57] I was not expecting that much. You, you. And on that day I also went for that walk by the river and I walked a long way. I don't know how long, but I do know that my walk halfway through was about 5pm because of that town loudspeaker.
[14:17] Otherwise there was no way I would have known what time it was that entire day.
[14:22] Yeah. And so I, I did my walk, I went back at dinner,
[14:27] read a little bit of more book and then without setting any kind of alarm, I just went to bed. And then I woke up and did Sunday and I actually that Sunday I did no phones all the way up until 8pm ish.
[14:43] So yeah,
[14:45] that was a really eye opening experience.
[14:51] And then on Sunday actually while I had no phone, I decided I would walk again.
[14:58] So I walked the opposite side of the river this day and walked all the way across the bridge to the Tokyo side and then took the train and went to a local bathhouse that I really like because it has these traditional Chinese herb saunas.
[15:18] And I was like, why not, why not do that for myself and just further the relaxation?
[15:26] And it was just so cool because like people on the train are always on their phones. Like their, their, their eyes are glued to screen. Like I would say the majority people on the train, including myself most of the time.
[15:39] And it just made me realize, wow, there are a lot more things I could look at than my screen. And in fact, when I'm not, there's less of this urgency.
[15:48] And, and the thing is, I notice when I have my phone and it's on and I'm on the train,
[15:53] I feel the urgency of needing to check my phone all the time. But that makes me even more anxious as opposed to if I didn't look at my phone. And I was just relaxing.
[16:06] And so what is it about it? It's like the phone is telling us it's going to make us less anxious, but it actually just,
[16:13] it actually breeds our anxiety and then gives us a way to alleviate it through those dopamine hits.
[16:20] So it's giving you the poison and the medicine. But the thing is like if you don't need the, if you don't have the poison, you don't need the medicine.
[16:29] So yeah, I decided to not bring my phone to the bath house. So I got back and then, yeah, that was the end of that weekend.
[16:38] And that Book the Untethered Soul was a perfect complement to the theme of the weekend because it was talking about how to be equanimous, how to,
[16:54] how to choose joy even in the face of your own frustration and thoughts and self sabotage.
[17:01] And,
[17:02] you know, it made me think about so many of the ways that I was causing my own stress,
[17:08] so many of the ways I'm, I'm choosing to put myself in situations, relationships,
[17:15] or,
[17:17] you know,
[17:18] anything that causes me more stress because I'm afraid to set boundaries and that causes resentment. And so it's like looking at my own resentment and seeing that I have a choice in resenting people.
[17:34] It's like if I actually set the boundaries I didn't have, I wouldn't need to resent people.
[17:38] People.
[17:39] And I've been sitting with this ever since because I find myself continuously frustrated with people.
[17:46] And that is a theme that comes back into my life all the time.
[17:54] One of my favorite books that I talk about frequently in this podcast is the Courage to Be Disliked. And in that there's a declaration that all problems are relational.
[18:05] And for me, I find that is very true.
[18:07] But anyway,
[18:10] so much of this I realized during my phone free weekend.
[18:16] So the following weekend,
[18:18] actually two weeks after I did this again, but this time I had no devices on Saturday, my husband actually joined in, which is great.
[18:27] And then we, I turned on the computer on Sunday to do work. And it's so funny because I had the same experience of time elongated on Saturday,
[18:40] getting so much done, being present, enjoying it all.
[18:43] And then as soon as the computer went on on Sunday,
[18:47] I could feel like the energy shift, I could feel the, the urgency come back because all of a sudden I had to get stuff done.
[18:55] All of a sudden I had to be on top of my emails, all of a sudden had to,
[19:00] to respond to the messages that I had ignored on Saturday.
[19:06] And none of them were necessarily urgent, but I felt the urgency.
[19:10] And not only that, but as I was,
[19:12] you know, typing at my computer, I would find myself just reflexively reaching for my phone to my left of my desk and realizing that the phone wasn't on. I mean, like, oh ****, like I, I did it again.
[19:28] Just noticing I've done, I did that probably like five times in a sitting and realizing that the phone wasn't on, then I'm not going to turn it on.
[19:35] And it just,
[19:37] it makes me super aware of how addictive the device is. And even now I, you know, I have my phone to the left of me and I've been looking at it all morning.
[19:49] And it's like I could have a really great day if I just didn't have this device in front of me.
[19:57] If I could just take myself away and regulate my nervous system and not worry about other stuff for a little bit and just focus on what's in front of me,
[20:08] I can show up much more powerfully.
[20:11] I can be of help more powerfully. I can be more loving powerfully if I didn't have that device on.
[20:19] And doing it the second time just, just really reinforced that reality.
[20:25] It's something that I think I want to definitely do again and again periodically because it reminds me that there was a time in my life where I didn't have a phone,
[20:42] where I didn't. I wasn't constantly being bombarded by news from all over the world.
[20:48] I was in being bombarded by content and comedy and statements.
[20:54] I didn't constantly have to be working on my goals.
[20:57] This is something that I think is,
[21:00] you know, in this, in this world that we live in now, there's a pressure to constantly be working towards your so called goals,
[21:10] to be working towards this, this end point. Because now we have the tools and we have quote, unquote, no excuse,
[21:17] but I wonder if that's the point.
[21:20] And in a capitalist society,
[21:24] we so called thrive on this manufactured urgency. I wouldn't say we're actually thriving. I think we're really distracting ourselves and we are stifling our true creativity.
[21:39] However,
[21:40] it makes us able to sell the notion that you can get to your millionaire lifestyle with your perfect body and everyone admiring you so much faster.
[21:55] That's what they're selling you because now you, everyone can be an influencer now you have the chance to be famous and all of this stuff.
[22:04] But guess what?
[22:06] You're a slave to your phone and you always have to be performing your success.
[22:14] So what would your life look like if you didn't have to perform? If your device was off and you had you didn't even have the choice to record what you're doing,
[22:22] what would you actually be doing?
[22:25] And that's something that I had to actually ask myself too because I realized that a lot of the stuff that I do, as much as I don't want it to be performative, is.
[22:37] But what I stand for is a life that's not performative.
[22:41] So how could I do that if I'm constantly worried about having to show people what I'm doing?
[22:47] Yeah.
[22:48] So the thing is, goals are good. I think that it's good to have ambition. I think it's Good to want something for yourself.
[22:56] But I think that it is more important to find the truth behind the goal.
[23:04] Is what you want really what you want?
[23:06] Or is it something that people are telling you you should want and that you should buy their stuff so that they can help you get what you want?
[23:14] I think most,
[23:16] and I might be shooting myself in the foot here, but I think that most expensive coaching programs would be deemed unnecessary if we took away the superficial goals.
[23:31] If we didn't find it so urgent that we have to be more wealthy or more beautiful or more or famous,
[23:39] et cetera, et cetera,
[23:40] we wouldn't be paying people hundreds of thousands of dollars try to get us more of those things that are kind of empty goals.
[23:51] What I think is more important here is that we find the goal that's worth pursuing and we can't get caught up in the money and the fame and the status being the end all be all.
[24:03] Maybe the money will help us get to the goal,
[24:08] but it's not the point.
[24:11] And I would even argue that the end point is not the point.
[24:19] There is a way of you having your life now,
[24:23] you pursuing what makes you happy now,
[24:28] you being the person that you want to be now. There's a way of being, if someone wants to be fit,
[24:35] it's not about about being, becoming the person with the perfect abs. It's about being someone who has the habits that leads to fitness.
[24:48] So there is so much noise out there,
[24:51] that's manufacturing urgency.
[24:55] And the thing is there are going to be more voices out there that are going to say that you have to be doing something, otherwise you're missing out.
[25:05] But I really think that if you were to turn off your device, you might find yourself questioning this too.
[25:11] And so can you do that for yourself and allow yourself to quiet the external noise enough that you can hear your own voice?
[25:23] All right,
[25:25] so I want to acknowledge also here that not everyone has the luxury of turning off their devices for entire weekend.
[25:36] Not everyone has the luxury to have no one to answer to for an entire day.
[25:42] But I would also argue that we have more freedom around how we use our devices than we're giving us ourselves credit for.
[25:50] Because I cannot tell you how many days I have wasted multiple hours scrolling my phone or browsing the Internet on my computer.
[26:01] And the question is that what would I be able to do if I could get those hours back back?
[26:09] There are ways for us to get off our devices. And maybe we need to start small, maybe we need to do something a little less ambitious.
[26:19] But doing a little bit is better.
[26:22] Better than continuing to allow ourselves to leak energy, time and attention.
[26:28] So what I invite you to do is try out this challenge a day,
[26:32] maybe half a day.
[26:34] No phone, no screens.
[26:36] Tell your family that this is happening. If you have a family that you need to answer to,
[26:42] maybe do at a time where everyone's going to be home anyway. And so you don't need to have your device on,
[26:48] right?
[26:49] Try it out,
[26:50] see what happens and see how many hours you get back.
[26:57] And this is all to say, you know, maybe you will end up too,
[27:01] walking alongside a river, listening to a solo trumpet player playing beautiful music,
[27:10] looking at a beautiful sunset.
[27:12] But whatever it is that you end up doing, I hope it is that you enjoy it and that it gives you a chance to really look and reflect on what's possible for you and what's important to you.
[27:25] All right, I hope you enjoyed this solo episode of from the Ashes.
[27:31] Thank you for listening and I hope to catch you soon.
[27:37] From the Ashes.
[27:40] Thank you for tuning in to from the Ashes. If what we talked about today resonates, if it feels on point with something you've been ruminating on by yourself,
[27:48] that's exactly why I'm here.
[27:50] From the Ashes exists for people who are tired of pretending life is fine and are ready to to explore what it takes to truly embrace the road to who they really are.
[27:58] Every conversation is an honest, unfiltered account of someone's real life and the path they're walking toward. A life they actually align with.
[28:07] If you want to explore this further for yourself, come join me in my vibrant Visionary newsletter. It's a bi weekly letter filled with reflections, podcast updates and what I'm contemplating between episodes.
[28:19] You can find the link link in the show notes below.
[28:22] Thank you so much and I'll see you next time.
